The Danger Zone (Columnist)

Dating Danger Zone.

Does anyone find that the more you go dating the harder it gets?

I will be the first to admit that as my body clock is ticking towards my thirties, that the more I start to worry that I am going to be eternally single, alone and will have to buy a cat to keep me company in my old age.

My looks are fading, hangovers are now lasting two days instead of two hours and I no longer have the metabolism I had five years ago, I only have to walk passed a Greggs and get a whiff of a steak bake and I put a pound on.

Finding a man has become high on my list of priorities and rejection is becoming second nature to me, however, I still keep diving into the dating pool hoping that I won’t drown in a sea of single men and finally I will catch that fish I’ve been searching for.

I am a self-confessed serial dater, I have dated every type of guy you can possibly think of. I have dated “the hot guy” you know the one you were instantly attracted to but turned out to be duller than dishwater and have the personality of a wet flannel. I have dated older guys and younger guys still both are not quite right.

Tindering or Grinding

Dating a younger guy makes me feel like I’m on babysitting duty and dating older guys make me feel like I have been sentenced to community service in an old folk’s home.

I have dated the slut just because everyone else has and I think I can finally fix him, even though I know full well he spends more time at the STD clinic than I spend in the shower. I have dated the guy who is still in the closet and I think I’m going to be the one to make him burst out and start belting out Liza Minnelli when in true fact he is so far in the closet; the Queen of Narnia is making him a cup of tea.

I have dated the guy who seems perfect on paper, good job, house, car and morals and even he turns out to be a complete and utter psychopath. I’ve dated asexual, bisexual and pansexual men. I’ve dated Bottoms, tops, Vers and everything in between. First dates are now becoming weekly events, some people have to put the wheelie bin out on a weekly basis; I have to go on at least one date.

It all starts innocently texting, “Tindering” or “Grinding”. I have amazing banter in text and my profile pictures are obviously Instagram filtered to high heaven. Everyone uses a picture that makes them look on fleek even though most of the time, they look dog rough. It is a fact that a person makes their first impression of you within the first seven seconds of seeing you. I want my first impression to be skinny, with a golden brown glow and looking sexier than Zac Efron covered in Nutella. Messaging and flirting usually leads to asking a guy out within 24 hours of starting to speak to them. I am sick to death of having the same conversation 14 times a day and making small talk with people I have no intention of seeing in the flesh. Lads if I haven’t asked you out within 24 hours of starting to talk to you, then it is most likely not going to happen. Some people think 24 hours is a bit rushed but I just look at it as I’m not getting any younger. Time is precious; don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t realise you are too.

My first dates usually consist of drinks. I think it’s a safe bet, if the date turns out to be like a trip to the dentist you can have one glass of wine make your excuses then leave (classic, get a mate to phone you 30 mins in and pretend the cat has died).

If you think the date is going alright and he doesn’t think you’re a crazy minger after the first glass of vino you can suggest a bottle and see where the mood takes you. Most of the dates I attend are a laugh, I usually end up getting tipsy and trudging around town with the lad on my arm. Usually, I’m laughing, joking and generally having fun, this is my downfall!

There are only two inevitable situations in life, you are born and you die. So I plan to live and laugh all of my life, however just because I am a joker and enjoy getting slightly intoxicated on a date this means guys almost instantly write me off.

The text I received after 90% of dates I attend usually reads:

I had a great time, it was really fun getting to know you but I think we would be better as mates.

Yes, that is correct I get ushered to the danger zone, the zone every man gay or straight dreads to be in… the friend zone.

Friend zone definition- “In popular culture, the friend zone is a situation in which one member of a friendship wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable or dreaded situation by the rejected person. The sense of zone is one of being stuck in an unwanted and distant relationship. The rejected person is said to have been put “in” the object of their affection’s

friend zone.

The concept of the friend zone has been criticised as misogynistic, because of a belief that the concept implies an expectation that you should have sex with someone whom they have no interest in, simply because they were nice to them.

This is closely associated with so-called “nice guy syndrome”. Just to clarify I have never in my life suffered with

nice guy syndrome.

I have been described as many things but never once as nice, bitchy-yes, fabulous-yes, over the top, a massive pain in the arse yes but nice-NO!

I have great friends; I don’t need any more friends, I need someone to fall in love with, to play hide the sausage with, to adopt an orphan child with and to argue over leaving the toilet seat up.

I don’t intend to change my personality, I am still going to live life to the fullest in hope that one day someone can see through my fun persona and see me for who I am, not what they want me to be.

I am camp, loud and proud, as are a lot of gay men and just because I smile from ear to ear and am over enthusiastic in most situations that don’t mean I am not marriage material.

Lads if you get friend zoned on a regular basis don’t take it as a bad situation, see it as you are most likely the best date they have had in a while and they don’t want to lose the laughter from their lives.

Remember, people who laugh the loudest, Love the hardest.

Words Lee Mears